I thought of you today

I think of you every day.  I still can't make peace with the truth.  I still want to believe you loved me. I need to let go and move forward.  You were not good for me.  It has been a year since you came into my life and in another month it will be a year that you tore me apart.  I'm told that it can take up to two years to get over someone like you.  I pray it doesn't take that long.  Already a year has passed and I'm not over you.  I guess that means I need to settle in and embrace my broken heart.  We are going to be alone together for a while longer.

Do you think of me

I wonder if you ever think of me.  I think of you all the time.  I wonder where you are, what you are doing, how you are feeling, if things have worked out for you.  I wonder if I'll ever see you again.  I don't think I will because I make it a point to avoid the places I think you might be.  More than that, I think God is keeping us apart because he knows that no matter how much I love you, you don't love me.  You never did.  He keeps us apart for my protection because I know if I see you again and you tell me the truth it will crush me more than I am already crushed.  Even though I know the real truth, if I stay away from you, I can pretend that you love me like you said you did.  I can pretend that when you turned your back on me it was not because you had found somebody else and didn't want me to know.  I can pretend that one day you will come back and we will be better and stronger than we were because we will finally be in the same space to be able to love each other.  I can pretend until the day is over and I get in my bed by myself and cry myself to sleep another night.

Different

I will spend my life wishing it had been different for us.  That we had a fighting chance to make it work.  There were too many things against us and very little for us.  I believe and will believe always that had the one thing been different in your life, we could have made it.  As bad as it was, I love you.  I will always love you and will always hold that dream close in my heart that maybe we could have.  If only....

My heart hurts

My heart hurts so bad I can hardly breathe.  I miss you so much my chest hurts like I'm having a heart attack.  Things were so good between us for only a minute.  Then it all fell apart so fast I can't even begin to know what happened.  She got to you.  I requested respect.  She demanded you come home.  And you did, because it is what you know and it is safe.  Maybe not happy, but safe. You didn't have the courage to tell me the truth so you began treating me like the enemy. Like I was the one who created this whole mess.  You forgot so fast that I was the one who was on your side.  Who really tried to support you in what you said you wanted to do.  The damage you've left behind has been so challenging to clean up.  Most days it takes an act of God to peel me off the floor and face what I can of the world, which isn't much.  I hardly function anymore.  Everything, absolutely everything takes more energy than I can muster.  I'm not healing and I'm not making peace with what happened.  I loved you so.  I love you still.  And I can't stop crying.  You have shredded my heart and I don't think or believe I will ever be able to put it back together.

I remember love

Years ago a man loved me.  I said I loved him, but it wasn't true.  I couldn't love him, I didn't love myself. After we separated I learned to care and love and appreciate myself.  It took several years.  A life time of learning to hate myself takes time to undo, but it can be done. Fast forward to last year.  I fell deeply and heartrendingly in love with a man who didn't love himself.  No matter what I did, how I hard I tried, how much and many times I showed up, the relationship was doomed.  Those who don't love themselves are simply not capable of loving someone else or be in a loving a relationship.  They may have a relationship, but it will be a relationship of something other than deep and profound love.  It has taken a herculean effort to let this man go, but I am left with no other choice.  He was already gone because he is seeking something he can control, like a partner who hates their self as much as he hates himself, because he is incapable of surrendering to the power of love.  I miss him so much it hurts, but I also know that is all I can do.  Send loving thoughts, miss him and let him go.  Each day gets a little easier.  I think of him often and hope he is well.  I find myself wishing things had been different, but they played out the way they were supposed to because I had some valuable lessons to learn.  I had to learn that all I can do is send love and love myself enough to move on and believe the Universe has something much better in store for me.

I will always remember this love I've felt for this man.  Even though it couldn't work because he didn't love himself enough and couldn't tell me the truth.  I have learned to be gentle with him after the hurt subsided.  We are all fighting some sort of battle and compassion is all we can have for each other.  The lesson I learned from this relationship is that I have the capacity to love and let go in love.  I need not try to control any situation.  And the reason I can let him go is because I do love him.  Very much.

A broken heart sometimes never mends

When I am an old woman someone may ask me a question as a conversation starter. They may ask me if I was ever in love. I will answer them honestly and tell them yes. I was in love once. I had many relationships before him, but he was the one I loved. My heart was closed before him, and has remained closed since him. He was bad for me and bad to me. It was not a happy relationship. But I loved him with my entire heart. I believe he was my true soulmate. Soulmate relationships are not always good relationships. They can be very short and very painful - as was this relationship. I want so badly to forget him, but I can't. And when it was over, my heart closed again. Never to reopen. So yes, I was in love once. It was the most painful experience of my life.